“Everything is blurry, except this dull ache inside of me that doesn’t seem to disappear.”
Some people say ‘when you finally found your purpose in life, that’s when you’ll die’.
I don’t think so.
Some people die without even realising it. As for me I died 4 years ago and I didn’t even notice it. Suddenly my laugh isn’t the same anymore. My emotions are all over the place and I no longer found happiness in the things which once excited me like reading books, going to the beach, visiting the Spa, Christmas, attending the mass, going out with friends.
Perhaps something broke inside of me all those years ago and I was just too stupid to know; too slow to realise that somewhere along the way I lost parts of me to people or places which didn’t deserve it so now I have nothing to give to people who ACTUALLY deserves them.
The twinkle in my eyes when I smile, the trembling of my hands before I sing, the warmth and joy of a simple hug, the calmness under pressure. I’ve lost them all and I don’t think I could ever get them back. I could never BE back.
Sometimes, on nights like this I stare at the ceiling of my room and feel nothing. Empty, self-aware, breathing but unfeeling. I often ask myself when was the last time I laughed? Like real-my-stomach-hurts-from-laughing-laughter and I don’t even know. When was the last time my heart beat fast when the love of my life smiled at me? When was the last time sudden hugs made my heart leap out of my chest? When was the last time I looked at my parents and felt warm and fuzzy?
I don’t know. I can’t say.
But somehow, somewhere I lost them. I lost those feelings and even watching Korean dramas can’t hide the fact that I may never experience them again.
I am empty, un-whole, incomplete and not even the love and warmth of those around me could heal ME.
I long to be alive. I NEED to be alive but I don’t know how. I’m drifting day to day like a ship without a captain.
I lost control of my life and I think I know why.
I’m such a people pleaser, I do everything I can to please everyone around me and it’s emotionally exhausting me. My parents, my husband, my brother, my friends, society, social media.
I do everything not to hurt others and in the process I’m losing myself. I’m losing track of who I am and WHAT I WANT. It makes me obsess about what I can do to keep everyone else happy. Everyone but myself. I also worry too much, I’m always anxious. I’m clairsentient and because of that I try to shield myself from negativity which is why when someone is in distress or unhappy I try my best to lift that feeling and in doing so I am passing their burden into ME, my soul, myself.
But I cannot change who I am. I am clairsentient and I cannot change that. I only have to bear the consequences of being who I am. A people pleaser who doesn’t know how to voice out and say NO when she actually needs to
Perhaps if I found people who could actually understand, who could actually make me feel alive, who could return the sun in my skies, who could infect me with their laughter? Who wouldn’t pressure me, push me, pull me and use me like a puppet in a string. Who would actually look at me and see the sadness behind my eyes. The anxiety that makes me sleep all day that I mask by saying “I’m fine”.
Someone who SEES me, not just someone who knows me.
Sometimes on nights like this I feel alone, I feel that if I were to die: no one will even notice.
But perhaps I’m wrong, perhaps millions of souls feel the same way I do tonight and I’m just being selfish.
If you’re reading this. I want you to know it’s not just you. There’s me too. I feel the same and your feelings are VALID.