What do you do when you feel like the world’s out to get you?
Have you ever felt it? The tight knot inside your chest when a stranger strikes a conversation with you— all the lethal thoughts worming it’s way inside your head, feeding you ideas such as “What if he hurts me?” “What if there’s something wrong with how I look?” “What I look out of place?” “What if I get suddenly dragged into a car, nowhere to be seen and found?”——- and then seeing that stranger break into a smile and ask if you could take a picture for him and his friends?
Everyday I fight these voices inside my head. —- that’s right —- EVERYDAY.
I come into a convenience store and I catch the staff looking at me and I find myself thinking “What if he thinks I’m a thief?”. “Is there something wrong with my clothes?” “Maybe he thinks I’m fat”, “Maybe I look too shabby” —- and you know what? By thinking these, I act awkward, I look awkward and I stammer which makes the staff look at me a little bit more.
Everyday I wake up and I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet but I’m already tired. I make myself a cup of coffee and eat my breakfast and make myself another cup because one isn’t enough anymore. I pass by the full length mirror on my way to the kitchen and think to myself: “I’m so fat”, “My arms look fat”, “My face looks fat”. “I need to consider plastic surgery”, “My husband’s going to leave me because I’m ugly now”. I am just BOMBARDED and VIOLATED——but these negative thoughts about my abilities, my body, my mental capacity that I find myself slowly walking into the bedroom to get a short nap, only to wake up 7 in the evening —- not bathed, not happy and definitely not able to seize the day because I just spent another day sleeping, taking a nap or maybe a little bit more.
A little bit more —you see I look in the mirror and I feel like I need to be a little bit more. A little bit more skinny, a little bit taller, a little bit more plump in the behind, a little bit smarter, a little bit more successful.
But maybe what I should be thinking is “I” should love myself a little bit more, accept myself a little bit more, allow myself to make mistakes a little bit more. Understand that as a human I can be imperfect just a little bit more.
There’s no one to secretly pinch me if I talked a little bit louder, there’s no one to slap me in the face if I told myself to finally let go of the lies that was fed inside my head when I was younger. Therefore this is a fight I have to win myself.
You can’t control everything, you cant be perfect all the time, you don’t have to be the best, to be the top, to be the number one. Sometimes you just have to be YOUR present self—
— and sometimes.
being your present self is enough.
So today, if you’re reading this. I have a request.
Can you love yourself, a little bit more?
And maybe again tomorrow, just a little bit more?
Until you find that person in the mirror worth loving again, because my dear, I am telling you. You are worthy.